Apparently this was a draft from my work desk about six or seven months ago. I remember feeling lost and having no place to jot down my thoughts without friends dropping in their two cents or being limited to how many characters I can use. I initially wanted to bring back my old Livejournal (the first blog I really ever started back in the early 2000's, but now you have to pay for all the immensities? Pass. So welcome back BlogSpot!
I'm busy. Insanely busy with a lot of nothing really. Fun fact! I no long have a work desk. After eleven years of service, I was let go from Universal Orlando. It was a moment in my life where I just didn't care to fight for my job there anymore. They wanted me to (kinda like my past relationship) When it rains, it pours I guess. I feel this is all for an ultimate change in my life. Something I felt I've needed for a long time.
I've been enjoying my time as the head Star Wars writer for Geek.com over this past year. It has kept my writing skills sharp and has bestowed many fun opportunities. My editor Sheilah has been nothing but sweet to me and always sticks her neck out for me when I need her the most. But this past week I received a alerting message from her. I was submitting an idea about the way we do our Star Wars coverage. I was told to hold off for now and that Ziff Davis has hired on another Star Wars writer. I was told not to be alarmed, that this might just be a hire on to generate more "click bait" articles. But daddy ain't no fool.
Luckily I've been covering the more weird obscure stuff like independent comics and horror vinyl reviews for the site, while the Star Wars news was slow. I'm crossing my fingers that I can stay with the site doing more of these pieces until Star Wars becomes larger again this winter with the release of The Last Jedi. I was asked to interview Stephen King's son and fantastic horror author Joe Hill soon, so I'm pretty sure I'm not going anywhere. Plus I was just approved to cover Dragon*Con, which is in ten days.
This is where things get rough. Geek does not pay the bills and is just a nice extra chunk of change. This means I've had to do what I can to keep paying my car payment and bills just to survive. Sadly, towards the end of my relationship I hurt my credit real bad to keep Emily and I afloat in our apartment. Now I'm getting hit with insane large bills every month and I've had to take jobs I'm not proud of. I desperately miss being stable. As I type this, I want to throw up from the anxiety I feel because the time I'm taking to type these very words are not making me a dime. It is wasted money. I never used to think this way and it has started to really take a toll on my creativity. So much so that instead of hammering away at finding more work, I just get down on myself and play games until the sun comes up. Talk about time wasted.
I've been selling all of my possessions from the apartment. Sadly everything is so used or old that nobody is biting anymore. The remainder of my possessions now sit in a storage unit. A unit I have to pay an insane amount on that is barely air conditioned. With Dragon*Con on the way my friends have been super supportive of just getting me there. Fed & Megan are letting me stay in their room and Seamus is driving me up to Atlanta. This is externally nice of them and I'd like to give them something as a thanks. But I have nothing. This hurts the most. Just taking without giving anything in return. I hate being that person. The second I say I'm backing out due to funds, my friends pull me back in and tell me I have nothing to worry about. But I worry. Damn, do I worry.
I've been obtaining freelance entertainment technician jobs here and there while living back in my old bedroom at my parents house. I have not seen funds from these jobs yet, but I hope they help. I've had friends on the outside that would work at Universal every now and then tell me how much better outside jobs paid to do what I was doing. Sadly my confidence in the tech field has never been the best because my heart is just not in it; hence why I left without a fight in the first place. But I need whatever I can get and I'm now onto my second freelance gig.
This all has a purpose though! My goal is to be out of Florida sometime in 2018. Leaving this comfort zone is just what I need. I've exhausted all the creative jobs in my field here and the art scene is lacking. I've been painting and have begun sculpting and love it! I want to do more, but working at my folks place can hinder my free creativity spirit a bit. I work poorly with familiar eyes over my shoulder for some odd reason. I can blast my work on Twitch and let thousands (let's be real twenty) people watch what I'm creating, but God forbid my girlfriend or father is in the same room. I hate that I'm this way. I need to drop my insecurities or else I'll get nowhere in life.
I have so many friends out in LA that I feel like that is where I need to be to help my creativity grow and where I can get jobs doing the things I love. But with social media, you only see the lives your friends want you to see. LA is a expensive place to live. I'm afraid I'll be working even more shit jobs out there just to be able to work the ones I want to. Maybe it would be smarter for me to build my art here in Orlando first, then move to a artistic city like Portland or Pittsburgh; some place north instead of west? I don't know. It's all so much, I always figured I'd meet someone in Florida, merry and start our lives in a new state. After I've failed that attempt over and over again, I think I need to stay single and do this on my own; for myself.
In October, my friends I previously mentioned (Fed & Megan) purchased plane tickets for both myself and buddy Seamus for our Birthdays to head out to Colorado where they live. I've never been out that way, but it should be exciting. I cannot wait to bring my Canon with me and take photos of all the fall leaves, like a white girl getting her taste of pumpkin spice for the first time! Fed apparently just became a brewmaster out there doing what he loves. I jokingly told him if he needs help, that I would move out there without any hesitation. I know it's a long shot, but I think it would be the kick in the pants I need to get me out of Florida.
Florida has been nice, but I'm already in my early thirties and need a change.
I know this was all pretty random, but I always feel better after writing down my thoughts. Hopefully I can come back to this post in the future and feel silly about my anxiety.
Now I have to decide whether I want to work on a jack o'lantern sculpt, finish this months Halloween podcast or continue being a cog in the ultimate Blizzard machine thanks to Overwatch. Uhg, what am I doing?
